Records to be smashed!

It has been a few days since I have been able to blog.  My children have been sick little babies.  E has been so miserable, too miserable to eat or sleep.  So, off to the dr. we go a little later today.

Life has been a little disjointed.  Hubby and I have been exhausted from the lack of sleep and energy it takes to care for a baby.  Yesterdays eating was awful! Popcorn here, chocolate chips there, sandwich over there, more chocolate chips, nuts, back to the chocolate chips.  Stress eating anyone?  And should it be a surprise, I felt as awful as I ate.

Flash back to Friday, I was reminded of the negative records that we play in our minds that keep us stuck in our rut. There was an issue that came about, it brought up feeling of being inadequate, not measuring up. The records playing in my head made me angry. Unfortunately, my next stop was the store.  It seemed that the crap food was singing to me. (I LOVE music.) The food had taken on the form of Ulysses Sirens. I knew if I didn't fight back, the battle would be lost.  Losing battles was wreaking havoc on my body AND my mind.  I was done!  So, as I was walking around the store I repeated to myself, "I will not let them win, I will NOT let them win!" 

Low blood sugar is common for me, and I was beginning to feel the symptoms at the store.  UGH!!  What an impossible battle, I thought.  The crap food was calling to me, but I knew if I didn't have some type of sugar soon, I was going to be very sick.  It was a desperate plight.  In the end, I was screaming, "I WILL NOT LET THEM WIN!!!" as I was searching frantically through the aisles, and SCORE!  I found some dried fruit, and a trail mix that had pistachios and dark chocolate chunks in it.  Whew!  Those choices raised my blood sugar, and was so much healthier than the Swiss Cake Rolls, candy, chips, and donuts that were singing to me.

The lesson, food is food, it CANNOT SING TO YOU. Records can be broken, battles can be won. Finding the root of the record is a must. Once I realized where that particular record started, it now gives me the opportunity to heal from it, and finally break it and throw the pieces away forever. If you think about it, the records that were "gifted" to us from others are born out of there own pain and feelings of being unworthy. Why do we let them have power over our thoughts, our eating habits, and our bodies. Satan's nasty little game to take our eyes off of Jesus and what He has for our temple (bodies).

Bullplop #1

Yesterday, I was planning on taking my measurements and being brutaly honest with myself and those who will read this. Sadly, my measuring tape has entered the black hole of nothingness. Yet, I was able to weigh myself, the result...a loss of 4.2 lbs from 2 weeks ago.  WOOP WOOP!!

Ok, now the honesty.  My weight 2 wks ago was 207.8, now it is 203.6.  UGH UGH AND UGH! This is the heaviest I have EVER been. So, the first Bullplop I am calling Bullplop on is this lie.
"Lost x amount of weight this week, I can eat a chocolate chip muffin, or have a 32oz soda."  I drank 1/3 of the soda before I thought, "This is liquid Satan."  Bye bye soda. Still ate the chocolate chip muffin, and at the time, was proud of myself and thought I deserve this.  BULLPLOP! I didn't DESERVE it! I lost the 4 pounds by chance. We went out to eat Indian twice, and I ate 2 nice sized pieces of cake, last week, all in the name of my birthday. Did I exercise at all?  Nope...

My husband leaves Feb. 18 for a job in MN possibly until June. BLECK!  But that is life for us. The dilemma...how do you get out and exercise with a 9 month old in winter.  Sad to say, I have used this as an excuse not to exercise while my husband has been home. BULLPLOP!

So far today, a bowl of granola with yogurt and a small glass of chocolate milk. Low sugar chocolate that is.  Not sure how "healthy" that is but, it fills me up and tastes yummy. 


I will get a measuring tape today, and get back with complete openness tomorrow.  Thought about taking pics, but decided to post both before and after pics at a later time.

Tomorrow I come face-to-face with reality...

Weight Watchers, South Beach, Adkins, Cabbage, Garlic, Slim Fast, Dexatrim...you name it, it's out there.  Unfortunately, you name it, I have tried it. 
"Took you 9 months to gain it, it will take you at least that long to lose it."
"You are from stout German stock."
"Big boned..."
"I'm tired, I was up with the baby several times last night."

Excuses, excuses, excuses...UGH!!

My daughter is 8 1/2 months old, and the other day, I realized that I had deleted almost every single picture of me since I found out I was pregnant with her.  The thought almost brought tears to my eyes. There is no record of my presence even in the hospital room. There are 5 at the most since her birth. All because of my shame concerning weight. I am SO SICK of myself. My poor daughter will never see the joy I had the day she was born, and for the first year.
My husband and my son want me to get back to "myself."  I'm not this grumpy, depressed, lethargic person! People are my energy, but I am ashamed to be around them.  We have lived in Oklahoma for over a year now. How many new people are in my phone that I can call on a whim for a chat? A big fat ZERO!
It is all because of the negative records playing in my head concerning weight.  As if I have no worth because I am overweight. My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met. It breaks his heart to see how worthless I feel about myself.
This is affecting my parenting, my intimacy with my husband, my friendships, my confidence in returning to college, and sad to say my relationship with God.
I have read several other weight loss blogs, and I admit, they are inspiring.  But, what I have decided I need, is gut level honesty. TIME TO CALL BULLPLOP ON ALL MY BULLPLOP! So, I will be writing my stats, taking pics, getting pissed and hunkering down for a journey, as long as it takes!